THE ELEMENTS OF SPAM

BY JASON ROEDER

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(Excerpts courtesy of William Strunk Jr., E.B. White, and Generouss Q. Factotum.)

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Elementary Rules of Usage

1. Form the possessive of nouns by adding 's, just an apostrophe, just an s, a semicolon, a w, an ampersand, a 9, or anything.

My wifesd*porcupine hot pix for u.

11. A participial phrase at the beginning of a sentence must refer to the grammatical subject.

Upon receiving this couppon, the free iPOds will greet you!

The introductory phrase modifies you, not iPOds; therefore, it is necessary to recast the sentence.

Upon receiving this couppon, you will be greeted by the free iPOds!

Or, better still (see Rule 14).

This couppon entitles you to greetings from the free iPOds!

Elementary Principles of Composition

14. Use the active voice.

Notice how aloof the passive voice is.

Your balls are to be slurped the most by cum-starved nymphos!!!!!

Hardly persuasive. The five exclamation points feel tacked on, an attempt by an inexperienced writer to breathe life into a desiccated construction. The active voice, however, allows you to write with verve and straightforwardness.

Cum-starved nymphos will slurp your balls the most!!!!!

16. Use definite, specific, concrete language.

Generalities enervate your writing; strong details invigorate it.

In short order, you'll notice enhanced length and girth.

What is meant by "short order"? A week? A month? The imprecision is suspicious. Further, avoid bankrupt modifiers such as enhanced. Rewrite with exactness.

Your exactly one week away from an 11-inch jizz stick.

A Few Matters of Form

Colloquialisms.
If you absolutely must use slang or colloquialisms in your spam, simply use them. Don't wink at the reader.

Our so-called "carpet munchers" will ride your "cum rocket" then gobble down what's sometimes referred to as "baby batter."

Although you've successfully called attention to your mastery of pornographic euphemism, you've written a punchless sentence. Rewrite without the quotes, the clutter, and the pretension.

Quotations.
Formal quotations cited as documentary evidence are introduced by a colon and enclosed in quotation marks.

Hey, bob_r_mail0899, the New York Times' said this to me: "bob_r_mail0899 has lost his hair and is unsexy now to his wife!"

Words and Expressions Commonly Misused

Comprise.
Means "include" or "embrace." Not to be confused with constitute. Your free online pharmacy comprises no-prescription Lunesta, herbal Ecstasy, and a secret formula that will make her moan all of the night. These items constitute your online pharmacy.

Your best friends wants the freest Rolexes, jane_wb_rollins323@yahoo.com.
Avoid this hideous cliché.

--McSweeneys